Follow your heart. Kind of.
5:26 PMLike many other people in the world, I used to cling to the motto "follow your heart." I'm a very emotional and intuitive person, so this was not hard for me to do. I would pursue what simply felt right. And even though I've always been a pretty happy camper, looking back on that time from who I am now, I see a definite difference in who I was then. If I thought I was a happy person then, I wish I could have seen the happiness I have now!
Although those words seem so beautiful and like such a good mentality to have while going through life, I can't say that I fully agree with them any more. While the person with purest, sweetest heart can do amazing things in life, without something bigger in it, giving it purpose, can there be true happiness?
I have always had faith in Jesus, but up until a few years ago, I had not been truly striving to walk with the Lord and to surrender my life to him. I was following my own heart and selfish desires. For example: dance. I have danced my whole life and have always loved doing it. But I was never the best, and this upset me and affected my self confidence for almost my whole life. No matter how much I improved or how hard I worked, there were always dancers so much better than me, with so much talent that they just blew me out of the water. What did they have that I didn't!? Was that it? Just pure natural talent? I wondered about this for the longest time. When I got to college, I took a break from dance for a year. Then I transferred to Lindenwood University AKA the place where really freakin' good dancers go. I couldn't resist the amazing dance program, so I tried to get involved. This was one of the best and worst things I could have done. I got to dance every single day of the week which I loved, but I was always surrounded by these beautiful dancers who made me feel like a child dancing next to them. The next year, I joined the dance team. Again, I absolutely loved my time dancing with those girls and made some of the best memories of my life with them, but there were times where I still felt like I didn't belong on the floor with them. Like I wasn't worthy as a dancer.
My crazy awesome team from last year
So I asked myself the question again, "Why can't I dance like them?" "Do I need to work even harder?" "Why can't God have given me the natural ability some of these girls seem to have?" Well, I was getting closer to what he wanted me to see.
I stopped dancing after nationals last spring to study abroad in Spain. I felt more compelled to go abroad and to master the language than to stay and dance for another year. That didn't mean my love for dance (or the pressure to be an amazing dancer) left me. Watching dance videos and seeing my teammates pictures from football games and their posts about nationals choreography just increased my desire for dance. It all looked so inviting. But then I would remember how it made me feel. So freeing when it was just me on the floor, but invisible when I looked at others. After awhile, it all started to dawn on me… maybe God's plan for me isn't dance. Maybe he has something better for me in store. It was then that I realized a lot of the dancers I envied so much had completely thrown their lives into dance; that was their purpose. But my life hadn't. I chose to quit studio and devote more time to school and my friends. I found other things I loved doing like studying Spanish, crafting, writing, & giving more time to my future husband. It took me awhile, but now I see that this is OK! It's ok for me to not be the greatest dancer in the world! I still love to do it, and I will happily take class whenever I get the opportunity, because now I can dance freely knowing that dance isn't my life, it's just something I love to do. I don't need the pressure to be the best. Because right now, God wants me to be the best Spanish (almost) teacher & best wife in the world. These are His desires for my life, and I am finding them so much more fulfilling than my selfish to desire to try to be a perfect dancer.
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." This verse has been so special to me this past year, because I am finding that as I grow closer with God, his desires fill my heart with the desire to follow him. So I can say that I am continuing to follow my heart, my heart is just following some thing else way bigger now.
-Breezy
-Breezy
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